New Minglewood Blues: Paris Hilton's New Single... Oh no

"The only rule is don't be boring" -Paris Hilton

Paris Hilton in 2011.

ATTN PLANET EARTH: Hide your kids, hide your wife, hide your husband too cus’ she’s raping everybody out here… and this time I’m not talking about an actual rapist. No, this time it is something much worse, something that can be potentially life threatening, a worldwide epidemic.

This time, I’m talking about Paris Hilton.

In case you haven’t heard, the 31-year-old heiress is premiering her new single, “After Midnight,” a follow up to her disastrous musical debut, Paris, released six years ago.

“I was just in the studio with RedFoo the other night, so we’re going to be doing my new single with LMFAO,” said Hilton. “I’m going with a whole new genre. I have Afrojack executive-producing the entire album. So we’ve just been coming up with the most incredible tracks.”

Yeah, real incredible. After the one-season flop of The World According to Paris, I guess Hilton thought it couldn’t hurt to re-dip her toes in the swimming pool of music—hopefully she doesn’t drown.

The hit will be premiered tomorrow (June 5^th) on Ryan Seacrest’s radio show, On Air. Despite this, there have been a few leakages of Hilton’s newest work.

The YouTube sensation “Drunk Text” was temporarily taken down from the site, but still created plenty of online traffic (click here to see the music video). The song’s inspirational lyrics include tidbits such as “I’ll be damned if I end up in the same lame diner after this with last night’s lingerie in my purse,” “I’m too lazy to type so I send a photo I took up a dancer’s skirt,” and “He wants me to bring more girls up like some kind of pimp.”

This is almost as classy as One Night in Paris.

I don’t mean to be hating on Paris, I just don’t think she should be involved in anything musical (unless she is donating money… that I could accept).

Nonetheless, I do feel slightly bad for her. A fake-single was released earlier, “Louder,” which featured a sample of the Journey song “Don’t Stop Believin’.” Needless to say, it was bashed by critics. But Hilton sent out word that it was not her and that was the end of that.

She was once the center of attention, and now she is just a has been. Instead of focusing on her musical career, perhaps she should be trying something a little more entrepreneurial. It would save the world listening from to “After Midnight.”

Here are some variations (with no relation to Paris Hilton’s new song) of “After Midnight.” I hope you can find these more pleasant substitutes more endearing than the hotel-heiress-gone-pop-diva’s version.